JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

Latest Posts from Jim's Counselling Blog....

WHEN A CHILD DIES. FOOTSTEPS OF A GRIEVING FAMILY. PUBLISHED BY VERITAS (2008)

As part of my counselling training I did considerable research on grief and bereavement for my thesis. Some of the material I read was entirely academic, explaining the feelings of grief, and the tasks of grieving; others had a more human touch and were a celebration of the deceased. When I wrote my thesis I combined the two, but it [...]

Posted on 25 July 2010 | 3:33 pm

toxic shame

Mark Brandenburg offers good advice on how to protect our children from our shame. He advises us to know our history of shame, and how it may be triggered by our children. Being on guard for these triggers helps us to avoid responding to them. Be aware of your child’s reaction to shame, and reconnect [...]

Posted on 25 July 2010 | 3:29 pm

toxic or unhealthy shame

Finally, parents should learn to give their child unconditional love, in so far as this is humanly possible. The more conditions we attach, the more we shame our children. The more we use conditional phrases, (such as ‘good boys/girls never answer back their mother/father’, ‘children should be seen and not heard’, ‘you should be ashamed [...]

Posted on 19 July 2010 | 10:19 am

when a child dies (continued). published by Veritas (2008)

The sudden death of a child creates chaos in a family, and the family must struggle through this chaos before beginning their grieving process. We experienced this chaos on Sunday 18 February 1990 when our youngest child, Cathal, was killed on the road outside our house. He was only thirteen, still innocent, full of fun, a kind and caring child. [...]

Posted on 19 July 2010 | 10:17 am

When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas (2008)

As previously promised I will now serialise my book on the death of our child, Cathal, who died 0n 18th February 1990. Introduction In talking about the death of a child, I wish to be as inclusive as possible. Pre-natal and post-natal children, miscarried children, children who die in the womb, stillbirths, children who die soon after birth, pre-teen [...]

Posted on 12 July 2010 | 2:48 pm

Toxic Shame. Prevention is better than the cure (part 2)

  Children can be quite aggressive. This aggression is an inbuilt human condition, which may be called upon in later life, for example, to defend oneself. It is important for the parent not to feel threatened by their child’s aggressive impulses.  This does not mean that they are encouraging aggression, but are neutralising it by allowing [...]

Posted on 12 July 2010 | 2:43 pm

unhealthy shame

One of the key aspects in preventing toxic shame and rage is allowing your child to detach. As I have already mentioned, much has been written on attachment to the primary carer. Failure to detach and move to autonomy breeds core shame. It is important for the parent to allow such detachment and not to [...]

Posted on 5 July 2010 | 1:04 pm

grief – death of a child

To conclude this set of posts, I would like to say that there are many ways of helping yourself to grieve. Writing a letter to the deceased is a good one, keeping a journal to record your thoughts and feelings is another, painting or drawing is also an excellent way of expressing emotions. You don’t have [...]

Posted on 5 July 2010 | 1:01 pm

Toxic Shame. Prevention is better than the cure.

  In a later post I hope to look at how toxic shame is healed, but first I would like to explore how children can be protected, and never have to carry its awful burden. Such prevention would ensure their peace of mind as adults and would stop the cross- generational transfer of toxic shame to [...]

Posted on 28 June 2010 | 10:40 am

WHEN A CHILD DIES

Infant death evokes much sympathy for society, but a miscarriage and perhaps a stillbirth is less noticed, so that a mother may experience a sense of isolation that sharpens her grief. She may experience worries about future pregnancies, a sense of failure, anger at herself, and perhaps anger at her partner.  A miscarriage is a [...]

Posted on 28 June 2010 | 10:36 am